It's been a really big month and more and more I've been turning inward, preparing for my winter of peace (as peaceful as it gets with a 3 and a half year old around!) and quiet. To be honest I haven't picked up an instrument unless I've had to and I've only written words that are meant for me. 'My eyes only' as I might have said fifteen years ago. I am getting a bit old. But that's good. I'm thankful for the opportunity and happen to think I'll make a lovely old lady someday.
I've been battling a chest infection and really sore muscles in my chest and my back from coughing so much. That's actually a slight understatement but this isn't something I wish to complain about in depth. I am in pain, simply. This pain has been humbling and forced me to sit still, even when there's much to do. I've had to teach Jude to do a few more things for himself which I know is a wonderful silver lining, but I would rather teach him by choice rather than necessity. Even though he's nearly four, I still carry him a lot so this has been the biggest adjustment as my pain has forced me to stop carrying him. Today I haven't picked him up once, and I'd say it's the first time that has ever happened. Even the most independent of children probably still get carried from time to time throughout a regular day! He has actually had to ask for cuddles, something that's never been asked for before as we are usually so physically close just from the habit of carrying instead of hand-holding.
Noticing my little one blossom into a little boy from a baby has been incredible. It's also been hard. He is intelligent, funny and oh-so-handsome but he is also so little for his age. Emotional and sensitive, the slightest thing ('It's too bright!') can send him into a whirlwind of sad. He still has that side but his cheekiness and love of life is starting to push him further and further into this beautiful and big world. I've never had to watch him in public before because he is never more than a metre away. I've never had to tell him 'gentle hands!' or 'please don't call me that!' (Poo) and have only had to give the odd time out here or there as it's been his natural state to be cautious and kind. A much bigger boy was pulling faces at Jude at 'the little trains' the other day and Jude walked right into him and tried to knock him over. No fear. It's situations like this I can honestly say we've NEVER BEEN IN and it's hilarious and embarrassing and requires a whole new skill set. My eyes go wide and a smile starts curling my lips up when I see the results of another crazy decision he's made. I've been stuck on 'baby' mode for the last three years so this, this is all so new. Still I must protect and nurture but I must allow my mind and my heart to grow bigger and be more for him. I must run beside him and try to keep up and sometimes know when to just let him go... And you know. Sit and drink a coffee or something.
To say that my partner Paul and I have been through a rough patch would also be a complete understatement. Our relationship has been about a priority nine for the last year. I've had some beautiful friends and acquaintances try to help, talk and offer encouragement and support but the truth is all I've wanted was some space. Some space to ask myself some big questions and understand the big answers and accept all the unknowns. It's the unknowns that drive me bat-shit-crazy. I've needed time to be still, to read, to write, to sit and drink tea. It's been a difficult yet illuminating month of nightly solitude and I'm grateful for it and always will be. I have remembered who I am. I found her. She was patiently waiting for me underneath the shows and the emails and the chatter and the nonsense of 'busy.' Of trying to keep up with a fast world, when I know that isn't me. It never was, it never will be. I like to do things slowly and well. And if I can't do them well, then slowly will have to do.
I think Paul might have been happy to see his lady re-emerge too. I think he thought she was lost for good. And after all of the craziness of the past few months, here we stand together again. Properly together. On we go, with decisions made and time spent finding out the important stuff. It's not always easy but it's always worth it. That's what I've decided anyway.
I've also shed ten kilos from eating well. Who'd have thought it? I'm feeling lighter in body and in my heart. Ready for my best life. Reading the beautiful 'The Way of the Happy Woman' by Sara Avant Stover has been a wonderful companion on my little journey into myself. But the central message is to slow down, listen and heal, amongst other things.
You weren't made for keeping up, you weren't built to rush. You were made a human being with beautiful thoughts, ideas and love in your heart. You are flawed and you are perfect at the same time. You have something to teach and you have something to learn. Every single day.
Go gently.
x
