Boy Wonder, you're my one and only.

So my beautiful partner and I made this film clip. He did all the hard bits and I did all the easy bits. His name is Paul Melnyk and he's going to be making a lot more films and taking a lot more pictures from now on. I'm going to make sure of it.

Here is Boy Wonder... It kind of speaks for itself. My boy, how I love him so.

He is at Montessori for the morning. After an incredible first week it went downhill. The past two weeks he has cried for his Mummy as I leave and it's broken me in two. I went to parent/teacher meet and greet and cried. I cried at the shops. I cried whenever I spoke of Jude being at this magical, beautiful place - a place that I didn't get to go to as well. Today he didn't cry, he took his teacher by the hand and asked him for his muesli bar. It filled me with joy and with hope that we can do this, my boy wonder and I.

x

The story behind Winterman

About a 1/4 of women experience post natal depression. I knew I was at risk because I have experienced depression and anxiety in my past and mental illness runs in my family. Something not spoken about very much is ante-natal depression which joined me on and off throughout my wanted, planned and wonderful pregnancy. It didn't cloud every moment, I was just on edge and unable to cope with very much at all. I stopped working mostly, the odd gig and recording/writing day but nothing like I have done in the past. I went to counselling. I stopped looking after my Dad two nights a week (he has dementia and is now in full time care) and I pottered. Went to yoga. Breathed. Walked. Waited.

When Jude was born I was instantly in love. I loved him while he was in my tummy but I literally found it hard to let him go when he came out of me, one beautiful spring morning. We felt safe together, he and I. We liked it when it was quiet. I tried to go out but quickly retreated back to the safety of home. I was obsessed with his every move, I cried when he threw up his milk, I cried when he cried, I cried when I had to make dinner and I sat there looking at my massive washing pile and cried some more. 'It just never ends!' I sobbed to my Mum.

I knew I had post natal depression when Jude was about six weeks old. There comes a point when you pass 'stressed' and cross over into it. I felt unworthy to be his Mother. I felt so sorry that he had to put up with me. I felt useless. Hopeless. I felt worried and anxious a lot of the time about something happening to him.

One of the traits that I believe makes my songwriting come to life is my vivid imagination. I used to spend a lot of time playing on my own when I was a little girl in my own special world. It was safe there, I wasn't judged and I fit in perfectly. I have often in my teenage and adult life spent lots of time daydreaming, which I believe is where my songs come from. I am very connected to that space which is why when I do sit down to write it often flows very easily.

It's hard when you're not in a good place to switch that imagination off. It can get stuck on horrible thoughts and fears. Usually it was picturing terrible things happening, horrible thoughts creeping in before I went to sleep or just going about my day. I kept my eyes open a lot, watching the rise and fall of Jude's chest. Trying to breathe myself. Knowing that if anything were to happen to him, it would be the end of me.

Now as I have healed and we have grown together when I feel those fears (not as strongly I might add) I go to a place of gratitude. I switch off from the fears and remember to be grateful. Gratitude for all that he is and all that I have. My darling almost-three-year-old. The most beautiful person I have ever and will ever know, the love of my life.

So here I am, working again. Singing again. Sleeping again. Being a Mum, a great one mostly. Accepting of my mistakes and being gentle on myself. I am still recovering from post-natal depression. But i am definitely not in it's depths anymore. More like I am sitting on the sand, wondering how I ever got so very lost in that sea and knowing all the things I need to do to stay on the shore.

That was really hard to write but I hope it helps somebody out there feel a little tiny bit less alone.

x

Promises

Hey Jude,

So we got pretty sick last week hey? It wasn't much fun and I hated seeing you so sad. All you wanted was Mummy and Mummy was only half yours, the other half belonging to my album and all of the little things that needed to get done to get it over the line. Then I got sick too and we just had to stop everything. Stop it all and watch movies. So many movies, so much rest and so much sleep. Nanna and Paul and Dadda helped so much while i rested even more.

Photo by Paul Melnyk

I'm going to make a few changes and a few promises. Not big ones, just little things. Little gaps for us to let more love in.

I promise...

To work on my computer/iPhone during designated times unless there is something TRULY important looming. 90% of stuff can wait. I know that now. I can get so much more done when I am focused.

To do a load of washing each and every day. I get so sad when i feel overwhelmed and when i've let our home be neglected to such an extent. So back to the old 'one step at a time'  saying says Mum.

To try and turn my face away from reality television BRILLIANT AS IT MAY BE and turn my face to my beautiful and patient partner, Mr Floss.

To make a herb garden together.

To play. Lots. Even more than we do now.

Go gently. Be organised. I am a mumma now. It's time. Looking after us is all that will ever matter.

To remember that we are all doing excellent, important and truly wonderful things in our own special way. 

To be as gentle as a calm breeze with you. You are precious and wise and usually need no more than a stern word or a look. And that will be all you are given. No raised voices. No punishments. And the rest of the world will just have to deal with that and raise their children in their own way. 

We are closer than we were last week. All of us. We are bigger and more full of love. I can feel it.

Meeting Tim & Kesh on their hill.

Tim and Kesh Coulson are very much in love. I have felt a strong connection to them in this funny old land i like to call 'blogland' - brilliant i know - and cried tears of joy watching their journey to meet their little Roo.

When Tim asked me to play for Kesh for her birthday i said yes without hesitation. And it truly was my pleasure to be around them.

Jude was awesome. And funny. And he is most definitely definitely definitely two.

Tim took these incredible pictures and wrote some beautiful words on his blog.

        

          

           

x Sarah

Making music, making memories.

Hello music loving friends...

My album is finished! Okay well it's not completely finished. There are no boxes of CDs sitting in my hallway, it isn't even mixed or mastered yet but those things will be completed so so so very soon. I recorded my last ELECTRIC GUITAR part on a beautiful old hofner belonging to Matt Fell (my incredible producer) this morning, then Jude and Paul and I went to the aquarium and celebrated.

Then we went back to our hotel and ordered room service and champagne and celebrated some more. I just sang Jude to sleep with his favourite, Silent Night and he is snoring away in the corner...

Are you feeling left out? I'm sorry! Don't be! I have two extra special BIG shows coming up in August that i'd love to see you at. They are band shows and we'll be playing songs from the new album. Songs that have never been played live before. I rarely do BIG shows, i usually just do little thingies here and there and everywhere but these are big rooms and i'd love your help to fill them slightly. I don't mind a touch of reverb but a lonely echoing voice in a empty room could be a little sad...

So here are the details, you can pre-purchase tickets and they end up being cheaper.

Sarah Humphreys & The Volunteers

& The Lucky Wonders

Lizottes Newcastle

Thursday 16th August

Tickets are $19

Book online at Lizottes Newcastle

Sarah Humphreys & The Volunteers

& The Lucky Wonders

Notes @ Newtown

Saturday 18th August

Tickets are $19.50

Book online at Notes

xx Sarah

Geoffrey. My Dad.

I miss my Dad. But then again i always have.

My Dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia in July 2005. In this year i was also engaged, married and lost my beloved dog Snoopy who had been my best friend for thirteen years. It was the start of many ups and downs that would last a few years.

Binswanger's disease has robbed him of a lot of his dignity, and he now resides in a lovely little 'apartment' in a safe complex with 24 hour care at hand. Yeah he's in a nursing home. A good one, we were lucky and patient. My older brother and my Mum looked after him before then. I helped out for a little while by living with him for half the week until I was 6 months pregnant and struggling, physically and emotionally. He now has his own room and bathroom, foxtel, a bigger tv than I do and all his own furniture. He eats breakfast lunch and dinner with people 30 years older than him who fall asleep in their meals though. It's such a sleepy, quiet place.

We were never extremely close. It was always Saz and Mum, Dad and the boys. Mostly I don't blame him for not being close to me; we didn't have much in common.  We have grown closer now that I am older, i make an effort and we talk more, we sing old songs and we recite Banjo Patterson poems together, tears streaming down his face and welling in mine. But sometimes I do mind that we weren't close when i was younger. When I needed him. I know i used to mind. So what if we didn't have things in common, freekin' make something up - you're my Dad! I learned those Banjo Patterson poems for him. Off by heart. I ran and jumped and shot putted and ran and still came last in every race until i discovered what i was good at and stopped going to Little Athletics at Duffy's oval and stayed home listening to, playing and writing music. Good call!

This illness has brought out a softness in him, a vulnerability of sorts. The pomposity is gone but the cryptic crossword lover remains. Who would have thought you could be knowledgeable without being a wanker about it? I jest... I like knowing things that he knows now. Very much.

I have an aversion to know-it-alls and my reactions are always exaggerated by my sore spot which i earned from Dad in my youth. I grew up being condemned for saying 'um' and 'like' and 'hate - it is too strong a word!' And my shows were silly, I turned on the waterworks instead of just accepting a punishment properly, I was spoiled by Mum… I get all of it. I love what it's done for me, I love to write and i can use their, there and they're in the correct way. Most of the time. But you need more than that in a Dad. You need someone who is open and loving and gentle and careful with his gift of a daughter. And thankfully i've dug around and found our relationship later in our lives, that one will just have to do. I'll love him and he'll love me in our own funny little way. And we'll just carry on carrying on.

Until he forgets my name… 

And i will carry on loving and forgiving him. Forever.

x

How it feels to make a record when you're Sarah Humphreys

How it feels to make a record.

In less than two weeks I go into the studio to make my second full length record. It's been waiting for a long time, waiting for the right songs, waiting for me to be ready. I don't know if i've ever been 'ready' to make my records. But the time has come for me to step into this for two solid weeks and come out of it with a new baby to take care of and to share. Record number two, she's nearly here!

I remember writing songs for 'record number two' over five years ago in my Kincumber home. I was still married, i was still paying off my first record and I wasn't even close to becoming a mother. Life has changed dramatically. And i'm truly glad it has. There have been many dark moments, wandering through all the unknown. The artist in me doesn't mind what i need to go through in order to bare my soul and write the perfect song for that moment. But I mind very much!

I am not hungry for this world, for this industry, to MAKE IT.

Some (lovely people) have asked…

Do you even want to be famous?

Why don't you go on Australian Idol/The Voice/All the other ones

You'll make it one day.

Why aren't you famous yet?

You just need a manager/a big break/an interview with this person/to meet this person/to go to Paris/To do this show for nothing which is a wonderful opportunity/To go VIRAL *shudders*

After all of these years I can truly say that i am simply a Mother and an artist. I will not strive just so others believe i am deserving. I will make beautiful music out of thin air and I will share it with whoever wants to listen. I will give you my time, I will give you my heart. But this industry will not own me and I will always put my son and my self first, for without those two things - well… the art will just dry up like a drained and exhausted old river. And to have not one but TWO companies who get that, who support that, who love me and my life and my music and my personality for what it is - I am eternally grateful. ABC Music & Mushroom Music Publishing are the backbone to this album, this next phase of my musical career. 

Sometimes the hardest workers just keep working and striving and working til they're all worn out and they're somewhere up a river they didn't even know they were swimming up. It's kind of like me when i've had too much coffee, i'm going really fast but i'm not getting much done. Nothing real anyway. So I will just keep swimming, slowly and surely knowing my time will come. I will get to where I am going, I can't not. In fact, I'm very nearly almost there.

I felt very sad when Seal (yes i'm going to talk about The Voice again) handed his singers a piece of paper which said 

THERE IS NOTHING ELSE

Actually, there is. Balanced, normal, loving human beings know that they are not the centre of the universe. Your best? It's enough. It's more than enough. Success at all costs doesn't work out for anyone around you, not even you in the end.

Thankfully even though i'm a pretty peaceful homebody these days, I do love to share. Songs, emails, text messages, blogs, tweets, status updates… You name it. Except phone calls. Jude HATES me talking on the phone. And why shouldn't he? So add me on all of those thingies. Don't call. You'll just make a two year old cry. ANYWAY I'll be keeping in touch while i'm recording this new beautiful beast of an album. My new word is 'yes!' instead of 'no!' 

I am working with some of the most talented people in this country. Matt Fell. Josh Schuberth. Jeff McCormack. It's incredible. I trust them to know my soul and to know my music. And even when something sounds a bit odd, like 

'Let's record this outside! In a compost bin! With a sitar!' 

I'll be like, 'You know what you crazy old men*? Let's effing do just that!'

*Older than me. Not old ;)

x Sare

The boy getting squished. I love him so.