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Monday, 20 February 2012

To slowly close a door.

Last week i had the privilege as a writer signed to Mushroom Music Publishing to spend some time at a songwriter's retreat in the Hunter Valley. I organised for Jude to stay with his Dad (which he does every week at some point anyway) and put it out of my mind until the day before. I burst into tears. I got anxious and afraid of my old life that didn't fit me anymore. Feelings of unworthiness and being out of my depth surfaced. But i went on packing and after several (million) kisses for Jude, i walked out of the door.

An early train ride calmed me, as they sometimes do. Lots of time to reflect and even though it's not quiet it's quiet compared to a little darling boy asking me questions, grabbing my head to face him and requesting often; 'Don't want Mummy to talk!' if i dare speak to others when he feels like it's the perfect time to have a discussion about Owls. Again.

I felt at ease by the time i was there and back in one of my elements, the gorgeous and rich sea of days and nights on end of music. 'This used to be my life, living and breathing music.' i thought. Hmmm. Yeah a lot of it used to be drinking, smoking, watching tv, procrastinating, boy watching and sleeping in too. But the rosie's were on..

Kim Richey & I.
I worked with a wonderful lady named Kim Richey and we wrote and recorded two songs in a little over a day. I felt it was time to tackle my separation from my husband in a song. So we did. I haven't written about it before. The song is called 'To Slowly Close A Door' - It's a sad and sweet goodbye song, i think it has a lot of peace in it.

These are the words..

'Come a little closer and i'll tell you things I never could before
Breathe a little bigger now, it's a wonder how we got to where we are

Long way we've come a long way
Long way we've come a long way to slowly close a door

Nothing could be sweeter than our Sunday's child, full of grace
We were so much younger the pieces all fell in place

Long way we've come a long way
Long way we've come a long way to slowly close a door

And there is more than enough

*Epic guitar solo by Matt Fell*

We've come a long way to slowly close a door.'


So i guess my message is in this blog, if there is one, is that even if it feels difficult or scary to remember the creative version of yourself, the person you were before you became a wife or a mother, a carer or a workaholic - whatever - please let her dive into something every now and then. You can talk yourself out of anything, you're a pro at it. You're even rewarded for it most of the time and called 'selfless.' But please, don't.

x Sarah (Jude's Mum. And so much more.)