Things Jude likes.

Jude - Aged two years and one month

1. Asking questions (repeatedly) instead of making statements. 

Instead of 'I want to go to the shops' he says;

'Do you want to go to the shops?'

'Do you want to go to the shops darlin?'

Do you want to go to the shops sweet pea?

Then you ask him the question…

Mummy : 'Do you want to go to the shops sweet pea?'

And he answers in the most beautiful tone///

'Yaaaiis'

2.  Reading books

3. Puzzlin' with his puzzles.

4. Bubbles. 

5. Santa. Talking about Santa. 

6. Multivitamins disguised as bear lollies

7. Play doh. Where he orders what he would like you to make and then watches you make it. Sometimes he may contribute by making some wheels/eyes. Maaaayyyybe.

8. Painting. Or should i say 'moving paint around with his hands or a stick.'

9. Playing 'shopping trolleys and prams' where he and another little human (or a big human most of the time) run around after each other from his room to the lounge room and back again. Over and over again. His tiny little friends even get tired of this waaaay before Jude does.

10. 'Jumping' on the bed. Even though Jude can't jump - naw!

11. Feeding the chickens next-door or the ducks at the lake. 

12. The rookpool in Terrigal. They should start charging for that place* it's so freekin cool. * - Please don't.

13. The Thomas The Tank Engine ride at Erina Fair. He sits very still and has a slight smile on his face, but mostly it's a look of utter seriousness, concentration and awe of all that is Thomas. Only a mother knows, this is the most excited face of all.

14. Wheels. Fans. Washing machines. Dryers. Air conditioning units. Things that go round and round. Sometimes we'll spend 20 minutes watching the washing machine… Then when we're at other people's houses, he asks to see their washing machines. Yep.

15. The people he loves. There's a few special people to Jude, me included and he loves us so. We love him back. So much. More than he will ever know. But i hope he knows as much as he can know.

Oh and obviously watching his favourite movies and TV shows on our crappy TV. But i'm not going to put THAT in. Cars, Toy Story, Dora The Explorer, Giggle & Hoot, Roary The Racing Car…. 

There is always room.

'There is always room for love.

There is always time.'

When my eyes are closed various things happen. I might feel inspired to do something, but most of the time i feel like a nap after a long morning of 'requests' from my two year old boss which are actually demands. However, i try and see the glass as half full most of the time. A guy i was speaking to today was trying to convince me of the 'terrible twos and aren't they shocking and oh my' but i continually repeated to him that although Jude is intense, i don't like to think of it this way. Complaining and whinging won't make this time any easier. Repeat. Repeat. Breathe. Repeat. (I'm all for a good cry/whinge/moan/scream when it's needed, rather than holding it all in and pretending everything is fine. But a constant hum of complaints does nuttin' for noone, especially the complainer.)

Anyway.

Sometimes i feel like getting up and having a spoonful of nutella.

Sometimes i feel like having a bath.

Sometimes i feel like puttering around the house, moving things around but not really actually cleaning anything.

Sometimes i feel like making something. Crappy - but made with love.

And sometimes when my little heart decides it has enough inspiration and wants to do what it used to have time for day in day out - it comes up with some words. Sometimes a song, sometimes a poem, sometimes a list of affirmations and dreams and things that long to be put on paper.

This is what came out the other day, short and sweet.

x

So many hats, hats falling off.

I've felt inspired to join this blogging community for a long time now. I write a little blog on my music page but i've decided to come over here too. You all seem warm and inviting, creative and loving. Forgive me if i'm a little shy at first, it doesn't take long before i open up a bit.

But before i go on with my blog post i will introduce myself...

My name is Sarah, Sarah Humphreys. I make music and two years ago i created my masterpiece, his name is Jude. I loved him the minute i looked into his eyes. I remember being amazed that when he heard my voice, he stopped crying. I have never felt such immense awe in my whole life. I found it hard to get back into gigging and writing and i was hard on myself. I did my first gig when he was three weeks old and wondered why i was such a failure? Why couldn't i cope with being a mother and musician? I now think back to those days and want to give myself a big warm hug and say 'get off the freekin stage and leave yourself alone!' But i can't. I can only smile, sigh and know that when i finally did realise i just needed to learn how to be a Mother for a while. For as long as it took, even if that was forever. And that if there's no band room and you're a breastfeeding mother, don't say yes to the gig.

Peace came with slowing down. I wasn't sure if i'd ever do 'the music thing' again. Well other than the odd gig here and there.  Write songs, show my family, have family jams. And then slowly but surely it came back...I started writing and people wanted to hear what i'd written. I started giving away my non maternity clothes that i'd been wearing for what felt like EIGHT YEARS and pulled out some vintage dresses (and bought a few more late night shopping on ebay.) My marriage ended amicably and my ex-husband and i went back to being what we've suspected we've always been best as - friends. Jude weaned himself at sixteen months with a simple shake of the head, he never went back on. I was equal parts heartbroken and relieved, a chapter of his babyhood was over and i was proud of the commitment i had made to breastfeeding which wasn't always easy/natural/painless. I look back on that time with such fondness. A sweet little bub asleep on the boob, and those night feeds/cuddles. Sigh. Anyway what was i saying? Music! Yes. People wanted to hear my voice again, and my voice was there waiting patiently for me. I signed a record deal with ABC and made a new EP with an album coming out next year. People remembered me. I grew as a writer and as a person. I was broken in half from motherhood and when i put myself back together, i was remade into who i am now. A lady i'm quite proud of. Just when i thought it was all over...

Right now i am going through a time in my life of complete and utter busy-ness. I don't cope all that well with wearing many hats, usually i just wear the one and dedicate my life to wearing it well. My multi-tasking abilities are similar to that of a man and not the sharpest man in the shed. I also have complete and utter tunnel vision when it comes to something i care about. Some days i cope, other days i feel drained, tired and a bit underwhelmed with myself.

I think in two years time i will want to put my arm around who i am today and say 'You're doing a great job. And it's all going to be okay. Promise.'

Yes.

Love & stuff x Sare