sarahhumphreys.com

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Monday 3 December 2012

The story behind Winterman



About a 1/4 of women experience post natal depression. I knew I was at risk because I have experienced depression and anxiety in my past and mental illness runs in my family. Something not spoken about very much is ante-natal depression which joined me on and off throughout my wanted, planned and wonderful pregnancy. It didn't cloud every moment, I was just on edge and unable to cope with very much at all. I stopped working mostly, the odd gig and recording/writing day but nothing like I have done in the past. I went to counselling. I stopped looking after my Dad two nights a week (he has dementia and is now in full time care) and I pottered. Went to yoga. Breathed. Walked. Waited.

When Jude was born I was instantly in love. I loved him while he was in my tummy but I literally found it hard to let him go when he came out of me, one beautiful spring morning. We felt safe together, he and I. We liked it when it was quiet. I tried to go out but quickly retreated back to the safety of home. I was obsessed with his every move, I cried when he threw up his milk, I cried when he cried, I cried when I had to make dinner and I sat there looking at my massive washing pile and cried some more. 'It just never ends!' I sobbed to my Mum.

I knew I had post natal depression when Jude was about six weeks old. There comes a point when you pass 'stressed' and cross over into it. I felt unworthy to be his Mother. I felt so sorry that he had to put up with me. I felt useless. Hopeless. I felt worried and anxious a lot of the time about something happening to him.

One of the traits that I believe makes my songwriting come to life is my vivid imagination. I used to spend a lot of time playing on my own when I was a little girl in my own special world. It was safe there, I wasn't judged and I fit in perfectly. I have often in my teenage and adult life spent lots of time daydreaming, which I believe is where my songs come from. I am very connected to that space which is why when I do sit down to write it often flows very easily.

It's hard when you're not in a good place to switch that imagination off. It can get stuck on horrible thoughts and fears. Usually it was picturing terrible things happening, horrible thoughts creeping in before I went to sleep or just going about my day. I kept my eyes open a lot, watching the rise and fall of Jude's chest. Trying to breathe myself. Knowing that if anything were to happen to him, it would be the end of me.

Now as I have healed and we have grown together when I feel those fears (not as strongly I might add) I go to a place of gratitude. I switch off from the fears and remember to be grateful. Gratitude for all that he is and all that I have. My darling almost-three-year-old. The most beautiful person I have ever and will ever know, the love of my life.

So here I am, working again. Singing again. Sleeping again. Being a Mum, a great one mostly. Accepting of my mistakes and being gentle on myself. I am still recovering from post-natal depression. But i am definitely not in it's depths anymore. More like I am sitting on the sand, wondering how I ever got so very lost in that sea and knowing all the things I need to do to stay on the shore.

That was really hard to write but I hope it helps somebody out there feel a little tiny bit less alone.

x



18 comments:

  1. i was going to send you a private message, but, thank you. you made a difference here. i wondered why i kept playing this song over and over! have a beautiful day :)sarah

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    1. Thank you so very much. If you ever want to send me an email you can! sarah.humphreys@hotmail.com
      I'm really glad this one made it on, and glad it connected with you. x

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  2. Thank you for sharing this! I too suffered from a deep and unrelenting ante and post-natal depression where the desperation took all my strength and even my will to live but one glorious morning the darkness had shifted to make way for light and my son is now my reason for getting up in the morning. Your music is beautiful and inspiring. I'm glad to have found your little space here.
    Ellen xx

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    1. I can hear in your words that you've truly walked the depths of this horrible and sad illness. Jude is the reason I get up too. My goodness I love him so. Thank you for your honesty and for writing to me. x

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  3. Gosh that is beautiful Sarah. Yes I've been in that sea as well. The last time I thought I would never get back again. But I did. I still get days where I glimpse it but I manage to keep busy. The garden and watching things grow and seeing wonder in little things like my worm farm (I know it's an odd one) have really helped me. And my blog too is therapy. It's a way of being grateful every single day. By highlighting our best moments, it helps to push that negative voice away. You sing beautifully and you write beautifully. x

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    1. And you write beautifully too! And grow beautiful vegetables and children :) You are such a lovely person. I'm sorry you've been in that sea too. xx

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  4. Thanks for sharing Sarah, I think even mum's that aren't diagnosed with PND can take on board and empathise with a lot of what you went through. What a journey you had and what a wonderful place you are in now. glad i stumbled onto your little place here. xx

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    1. Oh thank you Brenda... yes definitely. It's an exhausting and huge job filled with huge love and in turn huge fear! Thanks for reading and connecting x

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  5. Beautiful post. It was very brave and kind of you to other women to write it. I struggle with anxiety and when it was at its worst I would have these really horrific images of awful things happening to me and the way that I was finally able to get out of it was by replacing those images (as silly as it sounds to admit) with mental images of flowers. I say it's silly to say but it isn't because it worked. Very similar to your replacing with gratitude. Thanks for sharing! xx

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    1. Oh Julie, it's really lovely to hear from you. Having just found your blog i've connected so much with your words and think your beautiful boy is very very... beautiful! It's amazing how powerful our minds can be in destroying us yet also healing us from the very things that were responsible! If that made sense. It's late and I've been singing trillions of Christmas carols in preparation for tomorrow's gig! It doesn't sound silly, it sounds very clever. x

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  6. Both your written words and lyrics really resonate with me and brought me to tears. I was treading that turbulent sea for what seems like forever but finally those days are now few and far between and I am so thankful for that. In a weird sense I think my pnd helped make me a better person, a stronger woman, wife, mother.
    Thanks so much for your honesty here, it's inspiring beyond words.
    Tammi - dearmolly on IG
    x

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  7. Oh Tammi, I'm sad that you've felt these things but glad I could be the 'thing' that let those emotions and tears out. Sometimes a good cry is so healing. I forget that when i'm in it, but remember afterwards. I definitely agree with you - my PND made me and will continue to make me a better and stronger woman and mother. I take very little for granted and I'm served a big reminder if I don't walk slowly and gently in life.. I feel things, I don't beat myself up as much, I focus on what makes us happy instead of worrying what anybody else thinks. And now I know that I am the perfect Mumma for Jude. And that makes me so very happy. xx
    PS I really want to buy one of your dresses but I'm afraid it won't fit over my butt. Hehehe!

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  8. Beautifully written Sarah. Thank you for your honesty, gentleness and vulnerability. It's wonderful. Love Katie xx

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  9. beautiful song! you have a lovely and soothing voice! dont stop singing!

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